I want to apologize in advance for the videos on this article, they make you redirect to YouTube to play them because the NFL is a bunch of Nazi’s when it comes to their content. Please don’t let that stop you from viewing the videos.

Well here we are team, Wild Card Weekend in the NFL, and once again the Lions are no where to be found. Who would have thought at the start of this year we’d have to see BQ defending Matthew Stafford to the media and fans by the end of it?

Maybe some of you did. And maybe some of you knew this would be an absolute train wreck of season. But I, like the slapshow Lions fan that I am, was v excited for the year, and actually thought the boys had a shot at the playoffs. But as we have all learned in our tenure as Lions fans, it’s not just the amount of losing they do…but the ways in which they do it. Whether it’s just simply losing every single game in a season… or having a flag picked up against you in the playoffs for no reason whatsoever.

And this 2018 season was no different. But it was also completely different, get what I mean? The organization screamed from the hilltops that 9-7 wasn’t good enough with the talent Detroit had. They gave the fans what they wanted and they fired the overly emotionLOL Jim Caldwell. They brought in big dick swinging rocket scientist or some fucking shit Matt Patricia who was destined to take the Lions to glory in 2018. Instead, what happened was a 6-10 abomination in which Matty Staff had his worst season to date. So now that we get some playoff football today, let’s take one more painful look back at why the Lions aren’t part of the four games this weekend. Here are the top five shittiest moments of the 2018 Lions season.

#5. Lions blow loose fart at home & give up a pathetic Hail Mary to Rudolph & the Vikings. Now yes, the season was more than far gone by this point, but this moment honestly made my jaw drop. After taking a commanding😂 9-0 lead off of three Matt Prater field goals the Lions promptly decided to lay down and die. After a Stefon Diggs TD late in the 2nd, Detroit managed to give the ball back to Minnesota who did this:

Funny thing about this play was I had some out-of-town family over. My cousin asked me to change the channel from RedZone to the Lions because he never gets to watch them. I instructed him that he did not want to do this. He insisted I change it. This was the first play on when we flipped over. He proceeded to punch Grandma in the face, and now Grandma’s dead. This play killed my Grandma. I mean no one even remotely got in Rudolph’s way. This was a bunch of 5th graders playing 500 with an 8th grader. Is Kyle Rudolph 7’6? He looked like the Golly Green Giant reaching above the munchkins from the Wizard of Oz on this snag. 27-9 final.

#4. Detroit eats proverbial shit again as horrible call completely swings outcome vs San Fran in Week 2. After getting annihilated at home by the Jets in week one, the entire fan base was completely on edge especially knowing the next three scheduled games were @SF (with Jimmy G), home vs New England, and @Dallas. In a pretty sloppy game where the Lions trailed 30-13 at one point in the 4th quarter, it looked as though the Lions were facing another blowout loss. That is until two sub 3 minute drives culminating in touchdowns for Marvin Lewis and Michael Roberts pulled Detroit within 3 with around 2:15 left to play. With a defensive stop it looked as if we may have chance, and boy did we ever get a stop.

This interception catch and run would have put us balls deep in SF territory, almost ensuring victory. Instead, in true NFL FUCK DETROIT fashion, the play was called back for a phantom hold on Quandre Diggs 80 miles away from the action which had zero baring on the outcome of the play. It negated the interception, and Detroit would ultimately lose the game 30-27, dropping them to 0-2.

#3. Dak dishes a perfect dime, Zeke a perfect snag, over 2017 first round pick Jerrad Davis. Lions proceed to lose 26-24. Week four the NFL season is usually a pivotal game for teams, especially if you are 1-2. Which Dallas and Detroit both were headed into this game in Jerry’s World. Detroit in their sexy all grays were minutes away from erasing their unforgivable 0-2 start. Previously beating the Patriots the week prior, this was a decisive week to see if beating New England was the team coming together, or just a massive fluke.

Big time players make big time plays in big time games. Dak to Zeke, 34 yards, a chip shot field goal as time expires. Game. Set. Match. Cowboys win 26-24. The Cowboys are playing this weekend, Detroit is not. Fluke salad.

#2. Detroit swan dives face first into a pile of shit at home, I denounce my loyalty to the team, and management gives up completely, as Seahawks seal deal with fake field goal out of their own end zone in 28-14 win. K did you get that all? That was a lot. I understand. But this was the one week we had a chance to save the season. Also, this was the only game of the year I went to. And let me tell you- this was my worst day of the year. This might be, not kidding, the worst sporting event I have EVER attended. I was sofa king hungover from the night before, I threw an absolute missile of a bet on the Lions money line at 12:59pm, and the Lions were just pathetically awful. Seriously, I submitted a huge bet as I was walking through the turn-style at Ford Field. And the worst part? The Leo’s scored on the opening drive! This was the slowest, most painful death I have witnessed in a while. Stafford played great…until the game mattered most. Down 28-14, and cooking on a drive with 7 minutes left, Stafford was sacked, fumbled, and lost the ball. Detroit gets the ball back and marches down to the Seattle four, and he tosses a pathetic interception to virtually seal the game. But the Lions were able to force a Seattle punt with over 2 minutes left in the game, giving Detroit a tiny ray of hope. It was fourth and long and Seattle was punting out of their own end zone…and the unthinkable happened.

Hahahahahahahahahaha….BAAAAAAHHHHHHAhahahahahahah. Did you hear the announcer? “Are you kidding me?……ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!” That is truly a Lions moment. You won’t see that shit anywhere else in the league except maybe Cleveland. I lost a shit ton of money and proceeded to start a bar fight at the Detroiter before eventually falling asleep in an Uber on the way home. Management would then ship Golden Tate off to Philly, who is also playing this weekend. Thanks boys. Great Sunday.

#1. Detroit gets prison pounded Week 1 at home on Monday Night Football by a rookie-QB-lead Jets team after getting a pick-6 on the first play from scrimmage. 

I was living within earshot of Ford Field when this game took place. Downtown was absolutely ELECTRIC. NFL Week 1. Monday Night Football. Lions have a new Super Bowl champion winning coach from the greatest dynasty in football. We have one of the best receiving cores in the NFL. An elite O-line. An improved run game. We are here to take the mother fucking division. One Pride. FORWARD. Then, like a lightning bolt from Zeus striking the tip of our dicks…we force an interception on the first play from scrimmage and take it to the mother fucking house. You could hear the building shaking from my apartment at the time, my friends who were there said it was complete anarchy. White trash and business professionals hugging, jumping, high fiving, screaming…PURE JUBILATION. But what would happen next would be the unthinkable. After tying the game at 17-17 just minutes into the third quarter, Detroit would completely implode. The Jets would pick off Stafford 4 times, 1 for a touchdown. They would return a punt to the house and proceed to put up 31 points….IN THE THIRD QUARTER ALONE.

Puke worthy. And this game, while only the first game of the season, would set the tone for the putrid year to come. High expectations, only to have your heart ripped out and shit all over. Hell on earth. This season was so awful and disheartening it finally had me questioning why in the fuck I waste my time on Sundays watching this team. What is love? Baby, don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me, no more. Just when you think they are done finding new ways to hurt you, they get creative and they do shit like this. This is only ONE season. All of this happened in 2018. And there are probably 20 more moments I could have thrown in here. This season was fucked since jump street. And if you haven’t watched any of the videos above I encourage you to watch this one, cause this one sums up what it’s like to be a Detroit Lions fan all in one clip.

48-17. 4th quarter with over 6 minutes left. All green in Ford Field screaming JETS JETS JETS on Monday Night Football. Then cut over to not Matthew Stafford dropping back on third and one to a probable incomplete pass. What a mess. What a shit year.

Here’s to 2019. #forward 🍾

– Frank